Just thinking...
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: sound of rain down the chimney

Ever since I realize that I don't need eBay or Prego, or online 'societies' that manage to exclude me as thoroughly as real-life ones, I've been wondering why I thought I did need them, for so long and so deeply.

I came to realize that each served a specific place that has since changed - and most of those places in me don't exist anymore. I was plugging holes in my life with them - and some of the holes I punched myself, so I'd have something to fill. It would get filled, temporarily...with nothing, which led to more holes and more empty feelings. It's not Da Intarnets' (not kidding, it actually gets pronounced that way around here) fault that I fell into that trap. Let's face it, I've plugged holes with food since my pre-teen days, so I was pre-disposed to that sort of behavior, possibly from early July, 1966. My psyche looks like a Swiss cheese in a minimalist handball court.

And we all have holes. Yearning, aching spaces that can't be filled with money, toys, food, sex, or even love. You can't tell me that the lead cast of The Simple Life is at all happy with who they are - and what they've become. The holes can be closed, but that's the hard part. Fact is, we all make our own holes - a misunderstanding here, a choice comment overheard there, a criticism taken and never let go - and we can eliminate them, too. It's just hard to admit they're there, and what we're doing to them, and what they're doing to us.

'Cause, really, we are our unfulfilled spaces. It's hard to get out of bed when you have everything, don't want anything, and are absolutely perfect inside and out and loved in every conceivable manner. Every human has drive, every person has needs that are far from basic food/shelter/air. But some spaces are yawning empty because we're used to them, used to that hole and how we attempt to fill it.

Frankly, eBay and yard sales were filling my life (and our house) with new posessions at minimal cost. That's two holes right there, fed by the same activities. Even my sewing fills one, when I used to look at what 'everyone else' had and wish for more. Only way for that to happen was to do it myself, and even then, I downgraded my own accomplishments and still yearned for the 'Made in Honduras/China/Wherever Workers are Cheap and Usually Abused' stuff.

I have so many voices in my head, familiar ones that tell me my accomplishments are useless, and I'm nothing to be proud over. And have done nothing in my life to take pride in. Some of my spaces have loud, shrill, annoying voices coming out of 'em, and I try to fill 'em so they'll shut the h#ll up !

As I grow into who I am, many of these holes are going away. Not because I have some new toy coming from eBay or I actually got a post recognized on some online clique. But because I don't need either anymore. Voices are silencing, because I've heard them all my life, and they're not telling me anything new or helpful. So I can disregard them a lot better. They used to be a scourge to achieve. Now there is pleasure in the attempt, so the voices have nothing to say.

It's still a little scary. I'm actually coming out of the cave I crawled into, and pulled a rock behind me so no one could get in uninvited. Yeah, society at large doesn't have much of a place for me. I'm 'plus sized', not a hot, tan, blonde MILF, I make doll clothes, and try to help our son have his own life without making it into a contest with other parents. So I'm not beautiful enough to make things interesting, or dramatic enough to be involving. In my life, beauty and drama are best viewed on a DVD, then returned to the store ! While I do need some contacts, it's fine if I don't have them for a while yet. It's nice just standing in the sun and being myself for a while.

Anybody need a nice, warm cave ? I'll throw in the rock. Cheap !

And the bombs just keep on comin'...
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: XM 71 - Watercolors (light jazz)

Not much time to do doll stuff today. It's Wednesday, so after summer school, Dearest Son got to go to the SplashPad again. He met up with a school friend, and they played and had a great time. When friend went to the playground, we went after changing clothes. Even got to talk to a few other mothers. So it was a nice midmorning.

While he was in school, I tackled the backyard. While I was cleaning out the 'L & L' mess, Son would occasionally snag a toy or item to play with. Some I didn't mind, others were too nasty to keep. It's been too hot for him to be outside much, but I noticed how bad the backyard looked a couple weeks ago. So I took out a roll of trash bags and cleaned up. Five bags later, the yard was still a mess, but it wasn't broken toys and unidentifiable crap. It was intact toys and other junk. I guess today, then, was the real end of the 'L & L' odyssey.

At least I got my workout. After playing all day, we came home and I took a short nap. Then the messy bathroom got too loud to ignore anymore, so I got 3/4ths of it done before Beloved Hubby came home.

So, not much doll stuff today. I snagged a Hancock Fabrics grab bag Tuesday, and I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with a half-yard of thick black felt. I thought it was something else - darn their opaque bags ! I got three other pieces, two of which I can use. At least it was cheap. And I doubt I'll do that again.

I may go back tomorrow for a lovely jacquard fabric I saw. Dark blue (but not navy) with a leaf/fan-like weave in it, bordered by black stripes. I think it'd make some excellent Asian wear. Maybe that'll get me off my butt and back on board with the geta sandals, too.

Found an old Barbie hair refil, from the Cut and Style series. Pinned it to the bald Leia, so she at least has some hair until I can find something. I still feel bad about that human hair waste. (sigh)

Not much else going on. I'm tired, but Son is rockin'. Little chance of craft. So I think I'll just hang out for a bit. At least I got the yard and bathroom done for the day !

Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb !
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: "Two Weeks' Notice" - DVD rental

Bonus points for knowing where today's title originates ! Answer at the end.

Another day I can't bring myself to do anything on the 'To Do' list ! I don't know why I'm just not motivated - bet my issues would list longer than 'To Do' !

Instead, I tried to make a skort. If you're unfamiliar, it's a pair of shorts with a wrap skirt over it. They come in handy for golf and tennis, even cheerleading. Feminine, but sporty. Doll Shop Deluxe even had a pattern that I cribbed.

But once it was done - as best as I could figure, there were, as usual, no directions - I didn't like it, and it didn't hang right, so into the trash it went. It was longer than I'd imagined, and it doesn't make sense to wear shorts under a nearly knee-length skirt.

My efforts at learning Asian ball-button frog closures from various online directions didn't work well either. I may have to order a book, as one set of directions didn't make much sense, and another I could work perfectly, but the ball was so small, I didn't see how it could ever be useful. I'd have better results tying a couple of bowtie knots alongside each other then tying them together.

Similarly, yesterday's early attempts at rerooting a yard-sale 1978 Kenner Princess Leia was a failure. Now I know why everyone uses Kankelon or other artifical fiber. Real human hair doesn't stay knotted ! I tried the thread method, but that took much longer and pulled right out. So I guess I'll eBay the human stuff - no returns, plus I did use some of it - and find some fiber.

Oh, well. Noble efforts and all that. I'm sure tomorrow will go better - it's all house and lawn work !

*Batman - the movie-length film from the 70s camp-classic TV series. Ole Bats has your typical round black bomb, complete with hissing fuse, and anywhere he tries to throw it, there's either nuns, ducks, kids, or a Salvation Army Band ! His comment reminds me of my most recent craft attempts...unfortunately.

Things I need to do - and things I don't need anymore.
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: XM 71 - Watercolors (light jazz)

I got to thinking yesterday, how many projects do I have to work on still ? And came to the conclusion I have too many irons in the fire !

Here's the Projects To Do List :

*Finger shoe web page
*Finish 'Tonner Taste, Barbie Budget' page
*Go through all the Barbie and Elphie props
*Design fun foam shoes, write up directions
*Make seat belts for Elphie's Jeep (use Dritz clips I bought on markdown last month)
*Try that Gene dress form pattern. If it doesn't work, consider ordering the TW specific pattern online.
*Try the collared shirt pattern again
*Swimsuit, too.
*Pick the next 20 doll clothes photographs for the hard-copy photo album.
*Make new geta sandals for Elphie's kimono photo
*Start Leia reroot
*Render the numerous yard sale bras to buckles, elastic, trim, and hook/eyes

I've also noticed that, since I don't restrict myself from Prego and eBay, I have less of an urge to go there. Every time I've said 'never again', I've always gone back. But since I've had time to look around, see what I was really doing, I've had less interest in either.

Case in point - there was an eBay 'trap' mentioned. Basically, someone set up an auction for one specific person to find, and the description was more about the target than the doll, angry and bitter. The person holding the auction used it as a platform to tell the potential targeted buyer ('Mother') to look around, her dolls were all she had, and that her search to find meaning in life from buying consumer crap off eBay has cost her everything. Potent enough for anyone to heed.

Well, the board went off on the seller. Several declared that he/she and Mother had various mental problems and diseases. Didn't know Prego had so many board-certified psychoanalysts on it. Based on a seven-line auction description, they expressed outrage, diagnosed mental deformities, and delivered godlike outright condemnation at the seller, over and over.

Look, it's nice that their mommas were combination Mary Poppins and June Cleavers. But this does not give them the right or even the standing to understand what it's like to have a bad family dynamic and nowhere to go with it. Some dogs bite. Not all mothers are loving perfection. If they can't understand why this person is in so much rage and pain, why are they talking ? And if they don't understand, why the rush to condemn ?

I DO understand. I know exactly what that person feels - the red-hot anger and soul-crushing disappointment of never being enough, never being right, always coming up short for someone who means so very much to him/her. It hurts a lifetime, d@mn it, and if these harpies don't get it, then the least they can do for humanity at large is shut the hell up !

Of course, I wrote to the thread. I was quite blunt with my little opinions, that condemning someone based on a seven-line auction page doesn't help anyone. And while I was more circumspect than 'if you don't understand, then shut up, ya judgemental %$#@', but that was about the size of it. By then, it was on Page 3, so no one will ever read it. But I took my stand, and I don't need them anymore. Self-righteous people always bore me anyway. (ironic judgment enclosed)

Beloved Hubby taught me long ago, that desperate, angry people do desperate, angry things. And if I can't help, or can't even listen without pre-formed judgments, the least I can do is stay out of it. I wish I could clone Beloved... lot more people besides me need him.

Well, maybe not so much hell... but other people can get annoying !
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: 'The Final Cut' - DVD rental

Amazingly enough, our neighbor came by this morning and 'fessed up. Wow. Don't know why they fibbed about the trash in the first place, but hey, at least they came clean. Now I'm not so growly at 'em. Maybe we can at least nod in passing now.

Sad, that it's an improvement in our relationship !

And we get to move stuff to the backyard today. I still think they narc'ed - that stuff's been there for at least two years, and nobody's said a $#@n word until now - and there's houses down the street with dead cars on lifts in the yard. Just sucks that they have to involve the City in what's basically a Homeowner's Association-type whine... when we all rent !

Oh, and I forgot to mention - Room With A View did arrive last Saturday. Had to fix a part that came unglued in shipping, and one of the walls has a bend in it that I wouldn't have noticed, but it's enough to make the magnetic molding lose grip. Already reglued it and I'm sure the wall will straighten out with time.

It's a lot of fun to play with. Much as I love the wallpaper and brick, I'm already planning on magnetizing some foamcore and doing some texturing and painting on it, for new walls. Luckily, Beloved Hubby has these supplies around all the time.

I did hit a few yard sales today - and realized I probably won't be doing that much anymore. It's getting more and more frustrating to drive three miles into a cul-de-sac for a $6. blow-dryer and $3. Garanimals that were $4. brand-new. Back when I was mostly Barbie-oriented, there was always the chance I'd find something rare and unusual, but there's not much chance finding something 1) that I don't already have or 2)have space for.

I'm a darn good shopper, and can find most of what we need new on sale for what some expect for used. I have no idea why people think I'd love to buy their kids' ripped up jeans for $3. a pair when I just bought two brand-new pair for $5. each ! And most of my really good finds lately have been from GoodWill. I'm still contemplating going back for that 'Kimberly' doll...

One of the teachers at Dearest Son's school told me they were working on a Father's Day project. Which is very nice, but Son didn't have anything in his backpack, and Father's Day is today. Maybe I spoke to a teacher from another class ? Got Beloved Hubby some new socks when I went grocery shopping this morning. It's a poor, unoriginal idea, I know, but he did need new socks.

I found some markdown cord - black with some shiny streaks in it - that I'm gonna use in an attempt to make my own Chinese ball-type frog closures. I still have quite a few peeled from Dollar Tree wine-bottle cheongsams, but it'd be fun to make my own.

Not sure what other surprises the day will bring - we got a sample of laundry detergent with the Sunday paper - as it's early yet, but I didn't want to forget again. Wish us luck with the backyard...and a continuing detente with the neighbors.

Fun with the neighbors...
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: XM 150 - Uncensored Comedy (so I can hear somebody swear besides me !)

It was a nice day - I found a fantastic cabinet for Elphie at the GoodWill down the street. It's like a kitchen pantry, my gramma had one, but hers was this bizarre thin metal. This is wooden. Perfect scale, in great shape, and only $2.50 ! I'll have to share some photos soon.

Snagged the glue sticks at Dollar Tree, but didn't find anything else. Took Beloved Hubby out last night for Chinese food and the '5 for $5.' special at the video rental place. So now I'm good and broke, but that's fine. I didn't know what else to do for him for Father's Day.

But we're having some neighbor issues. Seems someone complained about the small red tool chest in our front yard (that's been there for two years), and if we don't move it, it's a $75. per day fine. Our neighbors on one side are the kind that completely ignore you when you nod and smile at 'em in the front yard, so it's probably them. They kind of act as if they're too good for the neighborhood - or it could be the beer-can boxes overflowing from their trash cans talking.

Anyway, they forgot to wheel the beer-can repository around Friday (trash pick-up day), so guess what I found in our can ? Yup. Their brand of bag, overflowing again with more Budweiser. (sigh) If they'd asked, I'd have let them, but this is beyond. Beloved Hubby asked, but they said it wasn't theirs. Umm, yeah. Same brand of trash bag, same stuff inside, even the handle ties are the same color. I know our other neighbor doesn't drink, and I doubt their neighbor - the one with all the crosses on her front door, and who mows their lawn because they won't - goes through three 24-packs in a week.

Kinda sucks when people who are 'too good' for you still want what little you have that they need. There are times I *&$#ing hate people.

"Hell is other people." - Jean-Paul Sartre

And another week disappears on me...
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: XM 71 - Watercolors (light jazz)

Sorry - it's been a busy week, and before I knew it, I hadn't caught up, and the week was over. Dearest Son's summer school has begun, and I took him to the city's 'SplashPad' Wednesday... and that's about all he can talk about ! So I'm thinking of taking him every Wed. after school. Last time was a spur-of-the-moment thing - luckily I had a towel in the car and a change of clothes for him in his backpack !

It was also Beloved Hubby's birthday. We put plates on his new truck, and that about did us in for the week ! He's not much into sweets or cake, so that was out. So I did what I could - helped Son make a card and sewed up a green version of Dr. Girlfriend's costume. Not much of a gift for him, but it was made with love, thinking of him. I realized while I was sewing it, that I can make anything, long as I know someone believes in me, and he always does.

Of course, I've found six trillion errors on it, and I want to re-make it, but it took two days and my eyes still hurt. It's at the bottom of Elphie's page, if you'd like to see it. It's not all that bad... I just see more I'd like to fix next time.

Anyway, tomorrow I get to go out for a while. Wednesday, while I was waiting for Son's school to end, I toured Hobby Lobby, for forever. Walked all around, checked out everything, checkbook in one hand , another 40% off coupon in the other. Didn't find a darn thing I wanted. Even when items gave me ideas, I quickly saw how to create the same thing with pieces and stuff I already have. Forgot to look for glue sticks for my dimestore glue gun, maybe I can snag 'em this weekend.

Possibly by then, I'll be ready to sew again. I swear, the Dr. Girlfriend costume put me off sewing for days !

And today's moral is : Give folks a chance to make it right. Ya might get surprised !
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: "The Venture Brothers" season 1 DVD - "Mid Life Chrysalis"

Gosh, I love the Venture Brothers. I know that, at its base, it's a 'Johnny Quest' parody, but I never wanted to make Elphie a costume from JQ ! Wouldn't Elphie just look fabulous in a Dr. Girlfriend outfit ?

Anyway, was up late last night, fussing with the printer. Back in April, the 15th, I think, we bought me a color inkjet cartridge. Those things are rather pricey, so we saved a few bucks and went with a refilled one. We'd gone well over a year without color, but I'd intended to make some cool doll anime and graphics shirts. Instead, I chickened out. I'd installed the new cart that day, but hadn't used it.

Went to use it last night, to print a scene for the frame I bought to use as a bay window in Room With A View...and neither the red nor the blue worked. I would get a few streaks, but nothing more. Cleaned both the cart and printer, nothing improved.

I chalked it up to me being stupid and wimpy for not using the ink before now. And since it'd been over a month, the packaging was long gone and I couldn't find the receipt, I figured that was $30.+ down the tubes. So I was a bit upset at m'self.

Still, this was an Office Max branded refill cartridge. If it didn't work, they should know about it. So I called today, and explained what was going on, telling them I knew it was my own fault, and didn't expect them to fix it, just that they should know I couldn't get mine to work. I didn't know it, but I was speaking with the manager, who said it must've been defective from the start, and to bring it in for an exchange. I reminded her I didn't have the box or receipt, and it was long past the 30 day return window, but she said that was fine. It should still work, and if it didn't, they needed to find out what happened.

Long story ending : we exchanged it tonight, and the new one works perfectly. Now, I was all prepared to take the loss because I didn't test it or use it, which is my own fault. But Office Max made good once I gave them the chance. Not that I expected them to go above and beyond, but I was pleased that they did. I think I know who'll be getting our next ink cartridge business... and we need a black one within the next week or three.

Room With a View hasn't arrived yet, and according to FedEx, it's still hovering in space over L.A. Has been since Thursday morning. Still says it'll be here tomorrow. I don't know why I'm whining so bad over this. Birthday isn't until next month. I just need to relax already. I swear, sometimes I'm worse than Dearest Son !

Oh, the frame/window. Took Son to Dollar Tree, where he selected a 'stained glass' plastic picture of a lion to paint, and a suction cup gun. I found a Hamtaro DVD for him - well, OK, it was kind of for me, too. I like animated Japanese hamsters.

I also found a lovely frame that I think will make a great 'bay window' for Elphie's Room With a View, once I add images and magnets. It's 'woodgrain' plastic, so it's fairly lightweight. I'll probably replace the glass with plastic, to cut on the weight and glare. Printed a lovely moon and stars image for it, but I'm going to hold off printing more. I can probably find a few pages I like in the Scrapbooking section of Hobby Lobby tomorrow. And it'll be cheaper than using the color cartridge !

I even liked the Oriental-themed vase of flowers print it came with, so I'll probably use that as an art print as well. I do get a lot for a buck !

Also found a gold-tone metal mesh bracelet. Removed a few links, and it's a slinky hip belt for Elphie. I do love Dollar Tree !

Speaking of budget fun, I added a new chapter to the 'Tonner Taste, Barbie Budget' page. At the bottom is a way to use all those silica gel packets you find in new shoe boxes and such. There's also a new photo of Disney Princess Cinderella in a pair of grey pants made from the remnants of Son's old shirt, paired with a blouse I made for the Baby Face dolls when I had 'em. It doesn't fit her terribly well, but I was proud of it at the time !

From the 'None of My Business, but Amusing Anyway' file, my neighbor's been dropping her son off with a relative for the last two weekends, and having a 'special friend' over. Hey, she's single and it's none of my affair. I wouldn't even care, but she made it a point to tell me about it. Why it's amusing is because he always backs into her driveway. Quick getaway ? Or hiding his license plate ? Who knows. I just think it's funny.

Hope your weekend is free of snickering neighbors !

Recycling Thursday
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: That 'Little People' Fisher-Price tape again.

Today was the Foundation for the Disabled pick-up. What I had ready barely filled the bag, so I went through things. Found some sewing stuff I'll never use again - a box and two never-touched packages of hand-sewing needles. That leaves me with just four partial cards of needles to use, oh, my.

So I prowled a bit more, found some odds and ends, then decided to go through Gracie and Casey's 'closet'. Since the 'My Size Barbie' dolls are so large, about half of their clothes are little girl selections from yard sales and thrift stores. Dragged 'em all out, figuring that, if I haven't altered them yet, they're up for donation. Eliminated three dresses and six blouses, which bulged the bag admirably.

Stuck it outside then arranged and cut the rest of the worn and torn Dearest Son shirt from yesterday to make the Disney Princesses a pair of grey pants. That uses up most of the undamaged parts, and the rest are rags. Haven't had time to sew it yet, but I'll find time later. The big thing (for me at least !) is getting it cut out ! Once that's done, I'm sure to sew it soon.

So, as you can read, it's sort of 'recycling' day at Chez Insanity. Dearest Son found a Fisher-Price 'Little People' VHS I got when he was a baby, and has been watching it over and over. Too bad it's only a half-hour show. They used as many F-P toys as possible, too. It's less a 'show' than a program-length advertisement, but I knew that when I ordered it.

Today was also supposed to be the day 'Room With A View' arrived. But for some reason, FedEx didn't pick up the package until late last night. I have no idea why, Bella called them for pick-up Monday. As of now, the set's still in California, and they say it'll be delivered Saturday. One problem with that. FedEx Ground doesn't do Saturday home delivery. I'm trying to not be disappointed, my birthday's still weeks away. But I doubt I'll use FedEx for anything again, if I have a choice. They don't seem to know what they're doing half the time.

I've been staying away from Prego. Figured out why I kept going back, even when I knew the sort of folks that tended to congregate there weren't really sympathetic to the 'creative' type collector. One, there are lots of nice people who feel the same way I do, and I don't want to miss them in the sniping over ultra-ne-plus exclusive doll bragging rights. Two, I was desperate for community. All my attempts to connect wtih others in doll groups have failed. I'm not sure if that's due to the fact that dolls tend impart a pecking order amongst their fans, or the sad realization that the common denominator in all these bad 'relationships' is me.

But the final word is : Don't linger when you don't feel comfortable bein' yourself. It simply isn't worth it to alter who you are to join a flock. Maybe some isolation is the price to pay for being who you are, and if so, that's fine. More time to play !

Ariel's new sportswear - and where to see the '06 DizPrincess lines !
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: "Little People" - a freebie VHS from Fisher-Price, Dearest Son just discovered

Another fun, creative day. Few weeks ago, I snagged a 50c bear at GoodWill, hoping that his plastic sneakers would fit Timey Tell and Hi, Dottie. After some flash trimming and plastic 'sock' removal, they did !

But you know me, I like to get the max for my money. Since his 'Softball' t-shirt couldn't fit Timey or Crissy, I split and Velcro'ed it to fit the Disney Princess dolls. Namely, Ariel. I then made her a pair of soft grey shorts from another shirt Dearest Son simultaneously outgrew and tore, and gave her cute side ponytails. Ariel was also from GWill, and her poor hair was ambushed when I got her. About half of it had been cut and left to tangle in the long strands. Still, it's hard to tell when her hair's in those cute little tails ! Found a second, almost perfect Ariel at a Salvation Army a few weeks ago, but I already love the one I have, so I left it for someone else to enjoy. New photo on their page.

It's been a while since I created for them. I run across cute outfits for them frequently, but they involve minor alterations instead of actual sewing, so I don't feel right posting the images. I have learned that stuffed Boyds Bears - found several in yard sales - come in clothes that fit them almost perfectly.

The 'Before Once Upon a Time' line is doing very well for Playmates. From their display at Toy Fair (as seen on the Master Collector site, scroll to the bottom to the 'Welcome to Toy Fair' banner, then click the Playmates button), the next two lines are 'Flower Princess' and 'Twirl and Sing' ballerinas. 'Flower' dolls have skirts like flower petals, and are scented. The ballerina ones have en pointe feet and a spinning crown. Like those Dancerella dolls, if you're of a certain age to remember. Even little toe shoes. This may be the first time the Ariel doll has ever had shoes !

I'm seriously considering adding the Snow White ballerina. I'd get Belle, but I already have a customized one - cut her hair myself ! As you may guess, I always wanted a Dancerella, but never got one...

The 'My Scene' guys go forth tomorrow to their new destinies. Foundation for the Disabled's doing a pick-up. I hope they find good and happy homes with lots of lonely Barbies to play with.